Greetings Fellow 'Ballers! Among my passions and addictions, there are 2 which tower above everything else. The first is the woman I love, my wife. The second is the beverage I love, coffee. While detailing the first of these would doubtlessly be interesting, it's just something I won't do on a public forum. The second choice however, I can gladly share on the internet. Herein, dear readers, is everything you want and need to know about coffee.

Class is now in session
Harkening back to younger days, I was in the 4th grade, or rather, the summer leading into it, when I asked my parents: "Mom, Dad... what does coffee taste like?" What was served to me was essentially milk and sugar, flavored with coffee. It was like liquid candy. Come to think of it, it still is. Thus began a lifelong devotion and nearly unrivalled passion for a beverage. Although I parted ways with caffeine during the entirety of my 17th year of life, it was my addiction to coffee's taste which brought me back to the world of stimulants.

Coffee, when fresh, contains over 900 different, separate, substances which lend flavor to the drink. A good coffee is a rich, complex, and even relatively "sweet" beverage. Bet you didn't know that. You see, if your coffee was roasted longer than 1 week ago, at least half of those essences have evaporated or broken down chemically. Your coffee is bland and tasteless.

"But I think my coffee has a LOT of flavor" I can already hear you say. If so, it's merely because it's what we, as Americans, have always known. Cheap, Mass Produced, low grade coffee has been marketed to us over the years, and casually accepted as "This must be real coffee". Oh how we have been lied to. The fact is that technically, yes, the coffee we most often drink does have flavor, but we are only getting part of the symphony which we should rightfully experience.

What qualifies me as a coffee expert, you ask? Why should my opinions be so incredibly valid? Am I little more than an overly-opinionated dilletante "wannabe", a pretend aristocrat? Well, experience should count for something. Passion should as well. I have had the common blends we all have probably heard of.

Colombian Supremo is pretty good.
Hawaiin Kona has a very smooth and very sweet flavor.
Jamaican Blue Mountain... was... mediocre. Of course, my came from a Jamaican friend, and I'm not sure he was terribly dedicated to finding the best sample, but I appreciated the efforts. Don't get me wrong, it was the smoothest flavor I've EVER had, and the 2nd "softest" beverage I've ever encountered with great flavor, but it had this overbearing "earthy" aftertaste which detracted quite heavily from the experience. At $50 a pound, I should expect better.
The russian coffee I had came from a company called Kuppo. I can't read cryllic, so I can't get any more, and I don't know if they deliver, but if anyone ever gets the chance, DO NOT TURN IT DOWN! I don't know what they did, but switching from Kenya AA to this was exquisite!
Kenya AA is my favorite regular coffe, as it can be acquired with relative ease, and I like the flavor better than Colobian, and at $15 a pound, it's only half the cost of Hawaiian.
The coffee I had most frequently while living in Italy was Cafe Oro, or Segafredo. Both acceptable, but the Cafe Oro had a better flavor. I was younger and less knowledgeable then, so I don't know what beans they used.

I'd never had a cappuccino in my life until the age of 19. My small home-town was incapable at the time of supporting the upper class habit, and so the drink was relagated in my mind to the big-city culturally elite, of which I was not. At the tender young age of 19 however, the United States Army saw fit to assign me for 2 years and 3 months to Italy, for which I am eternally grateful. My very first cappuccino in my life was served at an Italian cafe, by an Italian lady, in the country of Italy.

Here I was, in a country which is synonomous with the Rennaissance, and a world center of culture, enjoying a drink which was far too upscale for me to find at any other time in my life... and it cost me about 50¢. I was hooked from that very first sip. It was exquisite.

Turkish coffee is... er... well, it's different. The guys I was with said to actually drink some of the grind... Strong stuff, even if you don't. Not bad, but certainly an eye opener.

I've never had Kopi Luak. At $300 a pound, it's out of my reach. I also don't know if I'd be willing to try it. I've yet to find anyone selling it.

So, at this point in my life, I am 29 years old and I've been drinking coffee since the age of 10. For 19 years, I have loved coffee, and have progressed as far as a consumer reasonably could, without roasting my own beans.

There are rules in a perfect cup of coffee. I shall hit upon them, now.

#1. Fresh roasted coffee only. You can purchase coffee from upscale shops in vacuum sealed foil bags. My wife sent me one while I was deployed. At nearly 3 pounds, it was pretty good, and a welcome change from the chow hall. However, I know now, that was not the best I could have had. As the coffee sat around for more than a week after opening, much was lost. As a rule, your coffee, if it was roasted more than a week ago, is now going stale, and should be discarded. (Or, accept and realise you're starting to drink "crap".)

#2. Fresh Ground Coffee. Okay, you can go to a grocery store and get pre-ground coffee, you can usually nowadays purchase whole bean, and have it ground there as well. This is only "barely acceptable". The coffee is probably already going stale, and grinding it to let it sit around in your kitchen is only going to make it worse. I'll admit that I'm saving money, and this is how I'm doing it. Soon enough, I'll spring for a nice burr grinder, and then I'll upgrade my supply to a local roaster's product. (Dunn Brothers)
Ideally, you want to grind only as much as you are going to use at one time. Enough for one cup, or one pot. Any more than that, you only hasten the process by which your coffee goes stale. Making further cups "crappier".

#3. Correct grind. This is tantamount to a perfect "cup of joe". For French Press, you need a very coarse grind to match with the long brew time. For drip coffe, you need a medium grind, and since I don't do drip coffee anymore, I can't offer too much more help. You'll just have to experiment on your own. Not all grinders are created with equal tolerances, so use a grinder's "measurements" as a rough starting place, and be prepared to adjust as needed.

Okay. Now I have to change modes, as my specialization means I can't offer any more general advice. If, like me, you want the perfect cappuccino, I commend you. You have choosen the most difficult path, and the best flavor in my opinion.

Espresso grind needs to be fine, similar to refined sugar. If it reminds you of powdered sugar, it's probably too fine to use. It would be great for Turkish or Greek however. (Just not Italian.) Your machine will certainly vary from this general rule, so you'll need to experiment with what works best with your setup.

However, there is one benchmark to use to guide you to exactly where you want to be. From the moment the expresso begins falling from the brew head to the point where you get about 2.5 ounces of coffee, you should have timed between 22-28 seconds depending on taste. This is based off of a standard "double" dose of coffee, 14 grams, or about two heavy teaspons. At any rate, getting a coffee measuring spoon isn't too hard. It'll run about $3 for cheaper plastics to $10 for metal spoons.

You reach this number with two methods. First, varying the grind of your coffee. Finer grinds take longer, coarser grinds brew more quickly. Second, varying your "tamping pressure".

To properly create the perfect espresso, you need to "tamp down" the coffee in the brew head to create a coffee "pellet". This should be about 30 pounds of pressure. You want as even a surface as you can get. It should be flat and parallel to the earth. Finish your "tamp" with a twist. I say 180 should be fine, some insist on nothing less than 720 degrees, and insinuate you are some sort of subhuman neanderthallic mutant circusfreak if you don't make a full 720 degree rotation.

If your espresso takes more than 28 seconds to "extract", you have too much pressure. Your grind is too fine, or your tamping is too heavy. Lighten and experiment.

A perfect extraction should also have a somewhat creamy "head" on it, sort of an ugly yellow-brown foam. A decent layer is an indication of a good extraction.

If your doubleshot of espresso takes less than 22 seconds, you are "underextracting". Vital flavors in the coffee are being left behind, and your coffee will taste flat and bland.

If your doubleshot takes longer than 28 seconds, you are "overextracting". Acids are being pulled from the grind, and the flavors are already all gone. Your coffee will taste sour or bitter.

Finally, cappuccino is a drink of thirds. Properly, you should have one-third espresso, one-third milk, and one-third milk froth. If you want a softer beverage, you are looking for a latte, which is closer to "fifths". Two Fifths milk, two fifths milk froth, and one fifth espresso.

A stronger beverage would be a machiatto, which as it was served to me was a straight espresso with equal milk froth... I'll have to double check to get the actual figures again, suffice it to say that it's stronger than a good cappuccino.

Well, there you go. You now have access to all the essential knowledge I've accidentally acquired over 2 decades. Go get yourself a cup of joe, and make it a good one. Don't bother with Starbucks, they just screw it up... trust me.

Until later friends,
See you on the field, or at a good coffee shop.

-Cameron

Bravo! I too live by the bean! Not to the extent you obviously do but I love my coffee.

My first espresso story.

My ship was in El Ferrol Spain and I was meeting my sister in Paris to tour around Canadian battle fields for a week. I caught the milk run from El Ferrol to the French border. The coffee on board ran out after about 15 seconds. Time to travel to the border? 18 hours.............. Get to the border and have about a minute to catch my French train. Get on board and the "galley" was closed for this over night run to Paris. Arrive in Paris 25 hours after I left El Ferrol and not a drop of coffee to be had. The first thing I needed my sister to do? Get me a coffee!!!!!!! (she is the French speaker ). She goes over to the kiosk in Gare De Nord and comes back with this thimble..... What's that I ask. Espresso she replys. K. I one shot the thimble of caffine goodness and point her back at the kiosk for a refill. The guy running the place is looking at me like have two or more heads. Get the second and one shot it as well. Say, this stuff is pretty good! Get me another o sister of mine! This one a drank like a human being should and really enjoyed it.

My sister took me back to the hotel and I collapsed for 12 hours after one mother of a long day!

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Excellent write up Cameron! I'm not a coffee drinker, per se. I dabble in the Starbucks frou frou coffee-like confections from time to time to satisfy my sweet tooth, although my favorite drink in Starbucks is the Caramel Apple Cider. Mmmmmm, tastes like a caramel dipped apple at an amusement park!

Anyway, well informed write up and I think anyone looking to inform their enjoyment of the java might do well to study it. rep

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Holy, ground coffee beans, batman.... Thats alot of coffee trivia sitting right there.

I'm with Zulu, not much of a coffee drinker. I do get a crapp-a-chino from time to time... eww or a carmel macchiato. Either way, you could strain the coffee through a soiled gym sock and I couldn't tell the difference for all the sugar in the fru-fru coffee drinks I get.

But a great write up, none the less.

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Well, I like to think of myself as a Guardian spirit of sorts, bringing humor and joy to as many as possible. 'Sides, good coffee is good culture, and anything I can do to make someone's life better via chemical stimulation is a ggod thing. Plus, a good coffee just tastes awesome!

Oh, and uh... Thanks for the Rep!

(man, I need another hit)
(of coffee, that is)
(Preferably that Russian stuff. Man that was good)

I love it when my neighbors across the pond indulge in the finer European customs, especially appreciation for all things Italian.

I need to point out that addiction to coffee, is not a healthy thing, but in any case, I am rather particular when it comes to drinking it. I never make a habit out of it, instead, I will only take it when I stay alert in the evening, or when I have a long and hard day in front of me. In which case, I only drink a double espresso with no sugar. I very much like the taste of strong coffee on its own. Brand is not too important, because I like to distinguish between them.

May I also drop in as a side note, that you have not, repeat, not tasted pizza until you've tried it in Italy. The difference is enourmous. In the UK (and probably US too), it tastes like junkfood. They use cheap ingredients on restaurant pizzas and takeways in every case, but most of all fail to get the basic principles right. The bases are always bland and stale, and the tomato sauce always tastes like ketchup. They also taste far too "heavy" and fatty.

In Italy, they are sublime. Fresh local ingredients are ALWAYS used and those behind the oven are genuinely proficient in what they're doing. Real pizza has a base that tastes fresh and healthy whereas the sauce actually tastes like tomatoes. The toppings are cleverly balanced and rich.

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I must interject here. I've had Italian Pizza, throughout northern and central Italia, and I've got to say that some american sauces still taste very good. I've also found a few good ristorante style places here even in Rapid City, SD with real stone ovens. Like, actual italian traditional stone ovens. I have come to the conclusion that the oven creates the perfect crust, and is the most important aspect of the perfect pie. The fresher ingredients are generally preferred, but buyer beware.

I recall the occasion wherein I forgot the definition of "tonna". My pizza arrived topped with generous portions of Tuna Fish. Dear lord god. As well, Pizza Uovo was really wierd. I mean, 3 eggs cracked over a pie? It ain't right.

HOWEVER! Potatoes are one of the more brilliant breakthroughs I've ever seen on Pizza. Yeah, I know, you all are sliding away from me, and giving me those judgemental looks. I did the same to my friend, assuming a facehugger alien from the movie Alien had taken control of his brain. Well, I was wrong to judge him. It totally rocked.

Also, fresh sliced tomatoes on a pizza are sublime. You need to try that one.

The best possible topping combination therefore? Potato, Tomato, Prosciutto Ham, and Pineapple. Divinity to be sure. I never remembered to try it, but I'm really willing to bet that cavallo (horsemeat) would have been pretty damn good too.

Oh, I'm certain that a few old italian cooks are rolling in their graves right now at twice the speed of sound, but hey, they put shrimp, anchovies, or tuna fish on pizza. They screwed things up WAY before I came along.

I mean, Tuna Fish on Pizza? Honestly!

And as a side note:
I'm aware of no scientific study which conclusively proves that caffeine is irrefutably harmful to human physiology. I've found lots of studies trying to prove that it's almost akin to fresh springwater from the fountain of youth, and others which seemingly set out to convince us that being within 3 miles of a caffeine molecule will cause our internal organs to shrivel up and fall out, leaving only empty corpses to feast upon delicious brains.

[zombie mode]
brrrraaaaaiiiiinnnnnns!
brrraaaaiiiinnnnns!

BRRAAAIIINNNS!
[/zombie mode]

As a stand in for a cappucino machine, I have a senseo machine. Better that drip (unless you grind just before brewing properly stored beans). I don't mean senseo pods either, those are fine when you open the bag, but Camerons covered that. Wait, he didn't, he actualy missed something about coffee! The reason coffee goes stale so fast, either in the bag or the pot thats cooking on the burner (they call it a warmer), is the oils. The flavor of coffee are primarily oils that are highly evaporative. That is one of the secrets to cappucino and expresso. The crema (foam) stops the oils from evaporating, trapping the goodness that is coffee. Senseo also creates a crema like foam to do the same thing. I use the indivudual sealed pods. Not as good as a cappucino machine, but better the Folgers and the others. Heck, the taste of Folgers and the like makes my stomach upset.

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great write up . i too have been drinking coffee for many years . i started when i was 14 years old . im 43 so you can do the math ,i just want to say that you truly know your coffee, i have tried allot of different blends myself .i grew up drinking coffee made from beans grown in Puerto Rico " its a columbian blend". and its the only coffee i drink . i make it the old fashion way i boil two cups of water and add two teaspoons of coffee por it through a coffe strainer. and i also boil the milk. although there are better blends out there its the one that is easily assessable to me , and you where dead on with the Jamican blue mountain coffee". all the fast food coffee IMO is garbage even the stuff at Starbucks . i guess when your used to making your own coffee ,nothing else comes close.
Cameron let me know if you have ever tried any Puerto Rican coffee ,if not i will send you a few different brands .
it will be on me.
just want to add that Italian coffee is also one of my favorite blends as well

EEK! Pumbaa is correct! I completely neglected mentioning the oils... whoa... how on earth. Okay, this will require some revision.

Yes. The oils. They evaporate like water.

Also, some might be wondering what Kopi Luak coffee is. Well, provided that you haven't googled it yet, I'll give the full answer.

Indonesian plantations have a civet-like animal running around... I am given to understand it's like a cross between cat and mongoose. It seems that the Luak comes out at night, to devour only the sweetest of the coffee cherries. (Apparently, it's a damn finicky little varmint.) After gorging itself on coffee cherry fruits, well, nature takes it's course, and the animal's digestive system consumes the cherry-like fruit, and the remainder, well, it gets expelled via normal biological action. "It" being the whole coffee bean.

I swear to you I am not making this up. I'm good, but this is beyond even my ability to fabricate, okay?

So, these javanese workers collect up the coffee beans after the animal is "done" with them, clean them, roast them, then brew and serve.

Note: If you go to an Indonesian plantation, and they don't tell you what you are about to drink, you might be drinking luak. If they don't tell you, and it tastes really good, it's almost guaranteed they are slipping you Luak.

I guess the Standard procedure is to serve first, and then after the customer remarks how amazing the coffee was, to tell them what they have just consumed... and also the details on how it has arrived.

I imagine that they tried explaining the drink first, but everyone outright refused to sample.

It's nice to know that my experiences with Blue Mountain have been echoed by others...

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